Challenge: My character Richard has multiple traumas from the ambush in Syria that ended his Ranger career and which internally influence him throughout the first A.T.X.D. book. One of those is the fact that he was starting to form a relationship with fellow Ranger Isabelle Kaci Gomez, but she is killed in the ambush. I am not sure if I should be keeping her name hidden to avoid dumping the romantic conflict of interest onto the reader's lap. Here are samples of how it's written.
Scene 1 - Richard writes a journal entry-style letter to his fallen teammates, including Kaci. Kaci is mentioned by name, but I'm thinking about backing off from that.
Picking up the three-piece frame and looking at each of the photos, Richard got up from his bed and went to the study. Opening a small journal he’d picked up from the local pharmacy, Richard flipped through a few pages before finding a blank page to work from.
“Hey guys.” Richard whispered his short diary entry with a heavy-hearted calm. “Hope all is going well up there. I’m sure Matchbox is giving you both a good technical run down of…something interesting. Last time I spoke to Jack, which was a year ago, he’d made it clear that Tony still left his mark on him. Jack’s still waiting on Tony to pay him back for that bet he won regarding the Rocky Mountain Vibes game. Tony, you’re probably still thinking you don’t owe him anything. Man, I would've loved to see one more of those hilarious arguments you used to have with him….”
Richard paused, looking at the third photo. His stomach began to throb, but it wasn’t out of hunger. It was a gut clench, independent of the bowel pains he used to have from one of his injuries. A clench that blew a frosty wind into his diaphragm as he looked at this third picture.
“Hey, Kaci. I haven’t forgotten about you, either. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise. Grandpa Kevin would’ve loved to meet you. At least he…he met your family. And he…he….” Richard clutched his nose and emitted a barely visible hiss of an exhale. “He said you have one great…family. The kind any American should be proud to have. I….”
Richard couldn’t continue this entry. He shut the pad and gently slid it back into the shelf he’d retrieved it from. “Why is it so hard to write to her, Richard? Three years, and you still can’t bring a full entry together.” He cradled his clean-shaven lip. “Well, if I’m being honest…her loss hit me the most. Am I the only one who cares, still?”
Scene 2 - Richard thinking about working with women again after hearing that the A.T.X.D. is co-ed:
“No, they don’t want you physically prepped. They want you mentally prepped. You will be facing all kinds of nightmarish situations you never thought you could experience.” Jack then grinned slightly. “Oh and, just a side note, you’ll be training with women and some offworlders.”
“Really?” Richard said, outwardly interested. He also, however, felt a monarch beat itself against his sternum as a strangely familiar heartache began to build up inside at the mention of training with women again. A trauma from back overseas that Richard had been trying to suppress for the last three years. The clench up caused his curious smile to twist a bit with some stress, but he tried to hide his anxiety the best he could. “I would certainly appreciate being in a co-ed crowd again.”
“Yeah, if Tiger saw what we had here in this covert unit, wow, he would faint with a foolish smile. And if you make the cut, Rich, you’ll find some sweet teammates to hang out with.”
Sounds great. Although…A certain traumatic memory—one of those he’d felt two days ago while writing his letter to the fallen—began to throb in Richard’s chest again. Without Jack noticing, Richard puckered his lips, rolled his eyes at the ceiling, and then hung his head towards the window as the desert continued to roll by. Jesus, you idiot. Three years ago, four months of talk group sessions, and you still can’t get over it ... .Oh, who am I kidding? How can I ever get over a loss like that?
Scene 3 - Richard sets eyes on Ashley for the first time, and has a hidden romantic panic attack:
A new round of louder, rock hard footfalls approaching from the right abruptly stopped Dave’s harsh voice, and Richard turned his head to see a female officer enter the room. The woman was a little taller than Richard, looked to be in her early thirties just like him, had brown hair done back in a ponytail, light pinkish-white skin, and hazel-brown eyes.
The former Ranger was initially enticed, but then….God dammit, stop, stop thinking about it….that pulse in his chest began beating again. It caused a minor dull throb to swell up in his lower left side this time, but Richard chose to calmly shut his eyes in a prolonged blink as he gently suppressed both the mental and physical pains. Gotta stay focused, Richard. Don’t dwell on the loss. And the wound scarred over long ago, so it’s not like you’re going to suffer a bowel injury during training. To outweigh the health scare he had just given himself, Richard allowed his eyes to track the movement and details of the officer who had just entered.
The woman walked into the corridor with a wide-leg stride, her hands clasped behind her back. Her own thick-soled tactical boots flashed with short reflections of the corridor lighting as they swung forward and silently flicked their laces out before firmly striking their heels into the metal floor and rolling forward. Shifting back and forth on this woman’s left shoulder was a single-bar, “Lieutenant” insignia patch: this explained the Sergeant Major’s respectfully abrupt silence upon her entry. Up to a point next to Dave, the woman stopped, spun on her toe, and stood firmly to face the recruits. Dave instantly held up his hand in salute, but the woman dismissed the gesture with a gentle, “At ease, Sergeant Major.”
Scene 4 - Richard introduced to Cameron, another female operative who reminds Richard of Kaci and triggers some anxiety:
Richard and Dave walked through a part of the training center that was currently full of operatives training with each other, working out rigorously, and beating the punching bags to a pulp. But the person whom Dave requested was not that shapeshifter officer Janeiro as Richard was expecting.
“Corporal Cameron Phillips!” Dave called out, and most of the operatives paused with silence. “Ms. Phillips! Where are you!?” Dave called out again, adding some more force to his voice this time.
Momentarily, a young woman of exactly Richard’s height approached the duo and gave a firm salute. Cameron was about as lean as Richard and had somewhat curly, light brown hair that was tied back in a neat, Army-style cluster. But compared to the modern gym clothing worn by a few other operatives nearby, Cameron stood out with a very classic 80s or 90s vibe. This was expressed through both the curls in her hair and her current athletic attire: a blank white t-shirt, light gray sweatpants, and faded white, vintage Reebok Pyro trainers that appeared to be thrifted given their faded color.
Oh, for Pete’s sake. That worried throb was beating at Richard’s heart again, accompanied once more by the dull surge that felt like a bubble was forming under his left lung. She’s just an ally and a supporter, Richard. Nothing like…like Kaci.
“What do you request of me, sir?” Cameron inquired with a cheerful smile.
“My friend PFC Richard Johnson here has been challenged by a friend of yours,” Dave rather civilly introduced. Richard smiled uneasily and lifted a few fingers in a slightly nervous wave. “He thinks he needs someone to prep him before he goes and fights her tomorrow.”
“Shucks, Ashley’s up to her flirting again?” Cameron inquired with a smirk, her hands on her hips.
“No, she just doesn’t think I’m qualified,” Richard replied with some sarcastic humor.
“Well, we’ll show her then,” Cameron replied, gently slapping Richard on the shoulder.
“Corporal Phillips here serves in the same team as Ashley and I,” Dave informed Richard. “She and the Lieutenant have practiced hand-to-hand a lot, so she’s got enough of an understanding of our Team Leader’s skill set to make sure you get up to speed with your combat reflexes.”
“Can’t wait to get started, sir,” Richard replied confidently. To his relief, the trauma-based anxiety seemed to mellow down at this point.
“Very well then. I leave you in the Corporal’s company. Carry on.”
Scene 5 - Cameron is KIA towards the end of the book, and Richard feels it's deja vu:
Ashley had just finished descending the stairs when a brief tremor and a rumble above sent small trails of plaster and dirt raining down from the ceiling and almost knocking her off balance. Knowing one of her closest friends had just died, Ashley paused and held a hand to her mouth. Looking up at the corridor ceiling, the thick ball in her throat came back up, constricting the Lieutenant’s diaphragm as her eyes began to water.
“Ashley.” Dave approached their crestfallen TL and put a hand around her. “I’m sorry.”
Ashley gritted her teeth and briefly sealed her eyes. Small, remorseful inhalations seeped through her mouth and nose as she tried to prevent herself from crying in front of her team. The rest of the operatives as well as their U.S. Military allies looked at Ashley briefly, all expressing varying degrees of sympathy for her and remorse for Cameron “Mockingbird” Philips: the Corporal who would not be rejoining them.
I don’t believe it, Richard thought. She’s gone…and I only knew her for a week? His heart seemed to thicken with a painful weight. It finally fell into place: the nervous butterfly feelings in the chest, the throb in his gut, and the clenching on his heart every time he got near both Cameron and Ashley. Now he remembered what exactly triggered these sensations, because once more, it happened. The loss of someone special to him. One of his comrades, who had died in that hellish surprise attack in Syria on his last tour.
However, he would have to wait to reflect on the memory of that one individual among the casualties. With a slow inhale, Richard’s Lieutenant First Class retrieved her weapon and ordered somberly, “Come on, Bravo. Let’s finish this mission. It was Mockingbird’s parting wish.”
“Oo’rah, ma’am,” some of the operatives responded in a calmly reassuring manner, arming themselves and preparing to move to the next phase of the op.