Context: I am trying to make my characters' dialogue appear different or--in some way--stand out as unique to the reader such that you can better identify them. In military science fiction, such is the case with A.T.X.D., it's very hard to make characters stand out with different voices on the page. So I've assembled some lines and customized bits of speech that I will read in my characters' voices as I think of them. I would like your feedback on how to make that stand out on the page.
The Big 3:
Richard Johnson:
“A word of advice: stop treating war like it’s all fun and games. You’ll just get yourself killed in the process.”
“There are many ways to ‘do what has to be done’ in the field, Kellie. Reckless behavior and a love for violence….is not one of them.”
“Laney, being different is not a bad thing. It is what makes people important and our world a cause to live for. So I don’t ever want to hear you say you regret being yourself. Otherwise, you won’t belong here. Is that understood?”
“Come on, I was just doing what I thought was necessary to keep the civilians alive. And how was I supposed to know the Senturi would send some prehistoric monstrosity to intercept us on the way back?”
“R.L.T.W. - Rangers Lead The Way.”
Ashley Miller:
“Come on, Bravo. Let's go.” (Trademark double clap and a spin of the finger)
“Cyocent thought things through, didn't they. Bullet-proof glass in their corporate office building. Advanced security systems. Getting in without being detected will be tricky.”
“Come on, Tiger. You wanna have some fun? Let's show these freaks who they chose to mess with.”
“Oh-ho, you think that's harsh language? Just wait ‘til this sailor really gets talking.”
“Jesus Christ. What class of scuttlebutting fuckjob gave you those instructions?
“Fuck it. I'm done waiting. We either go now or we don't.”
“Excuse me?” (Wide-eyed anger, cold hard tone)
“I was trapped in that arena on Kronosia for five days, fighting and slaughtering allies. Don't you tell me I don't understand what it means to lose people and feel like nothing. We're in this together, whether you like or not. So suck it up, and act the part.”
“Let's dance.”
Dave Connor:
“Maybe you think this is some playtime silliness that the United States Government made up to catch the interest of close encounter fanatics! Or maybe you think we’re fighting some glorious fucking war against an offworld empire that wants to eat your brains! But you're goddamn wrong there!”
“God damn, I hate giving that speech. The a-word, especially: yeesh, why do we still use that today?”
“This is Bravo Leader to Command. I need a perimeter established around the site. Have SIO hold back until we confirm what we're up against in the warehouse.”
“You're slacking a bit, Tiger. Next time you fail to live up to a bet, you're gonna have to start paying up.”
A few other important characters for this first run:
James Matthews:
“Hey, what could go wrong? A bunch of imperialistic, rough-skinned losers who can’t get over an age-old rivalry, supported by a bunch of creepy psycho-soldiers who are too scared to show their identity. A bio weapon buried underground for decades that nobody’s seen but everybody is scared to death of? Yeah, what could go wrong?”
“Yeah, Dr. Judd. How about you let us Rangers give you a run for your money; assuming you have money to gamble with, that is.”
Commander-General Douglas Reach:
“Well I for one do not believe in coincidences, Sergeant Major Connor. I’m inclined to agree that somebody—most likely our pale-skinned mystery friend from earlier or a person associated with them—played a role in helping the Silens gain access to the Rykeino Embassy; knowing that a diplomatic hostage crisis in Central Division’s jurisdictional borders would have required us to commit at least 90-percent of our attention that way.”
“We already made it clear to the Kronosians six months ago that we will not tolerate abduction and experimentation ops on this planet, and we have asserted as much with multiple other tactless parties in the past. So get Bravo Team mobilized ASAP, roll over to the Port of Long Beach, and clear out any hostile activity or illegal military science projects going on over there. And for the love of God, give the Kronosian Commander running the op there a good slap upside his rigid-ass head; assuming you haven’t been forced to shoot the guy first. Remind him and his fascist buddies of our resolve as an international tactical force. Dismissed.”
“Now Melody is a good Sergeant and she’s a solid hard-hitter where it counts. But a good leader - those are hard to find. That being said, there is one leader here who I think would be most adept at leading this team…You, Captain Miller.”
Dr. Francis Judd:
“For the uninitiated, I am Doctor Judd. You don't need to know my first name. I am the Chairman of The Luminara Society.”
“As far as disseminating the infection, why assume that it must be contained within the subjects? I seem to recall that the Kronosian Special Tactics Unit was fearsomely known for its ability to develop weapons and strategies with particularly damaging results.”
“Working at Theta Base, as it is called, was exhilarating. My humans colleagues were scared to death of that place, obviously because of what lay below the floorboards and in certain nooks and crannies throughout the Quarantine Zone.
“It has always been the goal of The Society to integrate the best and most ingenious features of the other-worlders with Earth's human society. We have patents on a vast array of marvelous technologies which we have distributed to essential institutions around the globe. Advanced crime fighting tools using computers and facial recognition allow law enforcement agencies to catch criminals without firing a single shot from their weapons. Our genetic laboratories have used unearthly medical science to cure certain pathogens of non-terrestrial origin before they can populate among humans. But yes, these experiments have required life-size guinea pigs—shall we say—to ensure the results are absolutely accurate. After all, if you're going to do something for the greater good, you must be ready to make sacrifices.”