The following are two dialogue scenes from A.T.X.D. Dreaded Past (Book 3). The hope is to establish better visual writings for the characters. In these two scenes, we have two characters who I think have similar traits and need to have their lines upgraded to sound unique person-to-person.
Scene 1 - Richard & Taurlius at crash site of Kronosian vessel. Taurlius defects to A.T.X.D.'s side. Location is a rural forest clearing in Wyoming.
Characters:
Lance Corporal Richard Johnson
Kronosian General Taurlius Silhook
[Richard probes an area around the crashed Kronosian vessel. A signal pops up on his Tracker, and he flips around and points his rifle towards the threat. Taurlius, shaded in the forest, raises his hands instinctively.]
“Please!...Please, I’m not here to be hostile.”
“...That’s a little hard for me to believe, considering our kinds’ encounters over the years."
“I get that you don’t trust me, but I am not here to fight.”
[Taurlius advances slowly with his hands raised. He becomes better lit by a flame trail in the wreckage. Richard then sees the red General markings on Taurlius' shoulders.]
“You’re…Taurlius, aren’t you? One of the generals.”
“Yeah….good for you."
“So if you’re not here for insurgency...then why are you here?”
“What if I told you...that there’s a threat, inbound to your world." [Taurlius points a finger towards the ground before returning the hand to its earlier raised position]“A threat that, without my help, will mean the end of all life on this planet? And not just human life, all life on the planet.”
“...Come to threaten us with a doomsday herald then?”
“No, absolutely not. Kronosians don’t even believe in doomsday culture shenanigans. It’s a flarok waste of time.”
“Then give me one reason...” [Richard makes a brief jabbing motion towards Taurlius with his rifle] “one reason, other than your warning of danger for us to believe you.”
“I can give you two, actually. One, I’m here to make amends. I know that sounds unusual coming from the likes of my people, especially considering what we’ve done in the past. And although we are cultured and taught from an early age by our elitist society not to feel guilt and remorse for our actions, believe me, those are things you just can’t run away from in a reality such as war.”
“Oh yeah, you don’t say."
“Secondly, I know someone...someone in your team who’s been seriously hurt on the inside. Someone who I know deserves answers, and deserves an apology.”
[Richard lowers his rifle slightly in worried thought.]
“Ashley....I think you should know, General, that your little secret is out. I know what you did to her: tossing her in that arena, forcing her to fight and slay her own comrades for a week just so you guys could sit in the stands and applaud, or watch it on your planet’s ESPN network.”
“That wasn’t me. Honestly, it wasn’t....Look, I know you and your A.T.X.D. colleagues don’t trust my people. And frankly, I don’t blame you. But if you don’t give us a chance to help you combat this danger which I’ve been made aware of, then it won’t matter if you don't trust me. It won’t matter if Lieutenant First Class Miller still hates me, and it won’t matter that our people still have a quarrel about the past. The more time we waste hating each other, the greater the advantage rises for our true enemy. You see, like it or not, Lance Corporal, among the Kronosian people, myself and those comrades of mine in that dropship,” [Taurlius motions with his head to the mildly wrecked vessel] “….we’re the only ones you can trust.”
[A short pause. Richard then lowers his rifle and advances until he is punching distance of Taurlius.]
“Alright, fine....But whether you like it or not, General, the Lieutenant will see you and you only.” [Richard jabs a finger at Taurlius but doesn't actually touch him]. “The rest of your comrades are to stay here until she says so. You got that?”
[Taurlius nods.]
“You got any wounded onboard. Anyone who requires medical attention?”
“No. But I think our pilot’s a bit shaken up, and a couple of my brethren have some cramps and pain from the rough landing. But nothing a little basic first aid can’t fix.”
[The two turn and head back up the hill to where the Badger SUV is parked.]
“Oh, and by the way, this apocalyptic news you’re about to give us...well, you’d better make it very convincing. We just had to divert course from a planned interception of Kronosian activity at Los Alamos Nuclear Facility to check out your crash landing. Luckily, we still had backup to check out the scene in our place.”
“My apologies. But trust me, your Lieutenant, she’ll believe me as soon as she knows the whole story.”
“...I’m sure she will."
Scene 2 - Ashley consoled by her closest friend, Jordan Ceva-Ankers, before the final battle of the story. Location is the Bravo Team locker hall in A.T.X.D. HQ.
Characters:
A.T.X.D. Lieutenant First Class Ashley Miller
A.T.X.D. Captain Jordana "Jordan" Ceva-Ankers
A.T.X.D. Sergeant Major Dave Connor (brief)
“Dave, have the rest of Bravo Team equip their weapons in the Armory, then stage in the hangar. I’ll be with you all shortly.”
“Yes, ma’am." [Dave turns to the rest of Bravo and barks at them to move out. He then looks at Ashley]. “Hey, you okay, Lieutenant?”
“Yeah...Yeah, I just...I just need a minute. Clear my head again.”
“Of course, ma’am. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure Angela doesn’t leave you behind.”
[Ashley sits down and practically freezes as she thinks deeply. She hears the locker room door reopen. She lurches up, shuts her eyes, and grits her teeth in anger, but then cools when she sees her recently-reunited friend Jordan.]
“Oh, sorry Ashley, I can come back later."
"It’s fine, Jordan. Was there something you wanted to ask me?”
“Well, I just thought I’d see how you’re doing. See if you’re geared up for battle. And you’re almost ready I see.”
[Ashley sees Jordan fully tacked up in tactical gear.]
“Are you rolling out with us?”
“Yeah, believe it or not." [Jordan sits down on the bench next to Ashley.] “Theta Team’s on suspension while Command looks for something new to reassign them to.”
[Ashley snorts and grins.] “I’ll say, without Theta Base anymore, I gotta ask if there’s even a reason to call them that."
“Until then, most of us are on base duty. But when I heard that the combined Alpha-Bravo force was going to rumble with the Kronosians and the Luminara, I thought ‘shit, I’m not sitting this one out. If Command wants maintenance or site duties performed, they’ll have to find someone to substitute for me in the meantime.’ And because I’m no longer the Tactical Supervisor of Theta Base, I get to go back to my original callsign: ‘Gazelle’”
[Ashley huffs a laugh, but then shows signs of crying.]
“Hey. Hey, what’s wrong, Ashley?”
“It’s Matt and...and Taunya. I can’t...I can’t stop thinking about them, because…”
“Because you…,”
[Jordan puckers her lips remorsefully. Ashley breaks down and cries quietly. Jordan lets her cry into her shoulder.]
“Jordan I….I’m so God awful sorry. I screwed up. I am such a fucking idiot. What the fuck have I done?”
“Ash, Matt and Taunya’s deaths weren’t your fault. Dave debriefed me on the situation after we got back to HQ and I was discharged from the Infirmary. Frankly, anyone could’ve been struck with that injection and turned into the monster you became, and we most likely would have lost one or more operatives trying to subdue them.”
“I just can’t stop thinking about what happened...Wondering how they died. Wishing it didn’t happen in the first place. Fuck me.”
[Jordan gently raises her friend's gaze with a finger to the chin.]
“Ashley Miller, look at it this way: you didn’t simply kill them while they lay helplessly in misery, not like a truly cold-hearted monster would. The way I see it, Taunya and Matt fought you in a valiant effort to subdue you and give you another chance at life. Just the same as you would sacrifice your life to save one of your comrades, or I would sacrifice mine to save yours or one of my teammates. I know you don’t want to think about the damage that’s been done. But if you don’t fight now, then Taunya and Matt will have died in vain, and I am not about to see that happen.”
[Jordan stands up and supports herself against the locker doors across from Ashley.]
“If you want to make a difference here, Ash, then get out there with your brothers and sisters. Get out there with me. Because they need you, and I sure as hell am not fighting without my sister from training there to back me up and patch me up.”
“That’s what I’m worried about though, Jordan." [Ashley clips on her shin guards and stands up.] "I’ve lost people, friends, sisters, to the Kronosians. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”
“I looked at the briefing, Lieutenant. These Kronosians: they’re planning to blow up our world and enslave the survivors in some biological apocalypse. Now, you can either stand there and wallow in the sorrow of the past while the future turns even darker and billions of lives are extinguished. Or, you can head out with me, take point with your teammates, and show these sadistic bitches and sons of bitches just who in the hell they chose to mess with. So which is it?”
[Ashley bobs her head in thought, then looks up with a firm and authoritative look.]
“I chose option 2.” [She reclips her helmet.] “And if you’re going to help, Captain Ankers, then I order you to lead the way.”
[Ashley and Jordan engage in their special handshake: backward clap of the right hands, clasp them, then lightly kick each other's boots at the shins.]
“Ooh-rah!” [Both shout this together.]