This is the prologue for the first book of my "magical girls but with a twist" series: Proxy Magic. But... I don't like it very much. My main issue is the way Ayu - or Lively Eden - is presented. I find her to be too jaded and cynical upon introduction. Ayu is shy and socially anxious but also deeply empathetic and kind. She also strives to be an ordinary high schooler, which is made extremely difficult by the fact that she is a magical girl. She is burdened with this responsibility she doesn't want but nevertheless tries to make the best of it (mostly because she has no choice). I want Ayu to come across as more positive and striving towards positivity in an otherwise hopeless or dim situation (which is kind of what her whole magical girl schtick is). Any suggestions for change are appreciated!
My name is Ayu Hiiragi and I have a secret… A secret no one must ever know…
The truth is… I’m a magical girl!
But…
I really, really don’t wanna be!!
Lively Eden gasped as a spire of ice narrowly avoided slicing open her cheek. Her skin prickled, and it wasn’t just from the chill emanating from the sharp-as-knives icicle. She tip-toed away from the cold but jumped up into the air as another volley of ice struck her where she stood. Lively Eden reoriented herself and spread wind under her feet, allowing her to hover in the sky.
“What’s wrong, Eden?” A young man with smoothed-back silvery-white hair held in a ponytail wearing a timberwolf gray cloak stepped up to her on stairs of ice. He spread his fingers; ice crystallized in the air above his palm. “Not a fan of the cold?”
I mean, obviously not—no thanks to you—but… More than that, I just really don’t like you a whole lot, Death Frost!
Lively Eden thrust her hands together, where pink energy gathered. Death Frost narrowed his slate blue eyes.
“Heaven’s Gale!”
That name is ridiculously dumb… Yelling your attack names out loud is so cringe… What is this, a children’s anime!?
A tornado-like gust of pink wind blasted from Eden’s hands. It emitted pink sparkles as it traveled through the air to strike Death Frost where he stood. He clicked his tongue and planted his foot in the ground. Ice swirled by his ankle and spread across the floor before him. Death Frost erected a spiky wall of ice before him, defending himself from Lively Eden’s attack. She narrowed her eyes and bit her lip. She wanted to get this over with as soon as possible… That was never gonna happen if she and Death Frost just continued to trade blows! Lively Eden reached deep into herself, into her well of infinite Naturae energy, and goaded it out. A light shone from her palms and the wind emitting from her Heaven’s Gale glittered with a new, brilliant glow. Death Frost’s eyes widened.
Lively Eden’s wind smothered Death Frost. When it dissipated—releasing clouds of wind like angels’ breaths—she sighed in relief. It was over. He’d retreated. She could finally go home!
“You really gotta watch it, Frost.”
Lively Eden’s heart sank. Her eyes traced the ground. Giggling just a bit away from where Death Frost once stood was a new young man. He had dirty golden hair and a yellow cloak; his arms were covered in haphazard black bandages. He wore a crazed grin; next to him was Death Frost, who refused to meet his gaze with a dirty scowl. Death Storm had arrived; Death Frost’s partner in crime.
“Eden! Are you alright?”
“Pacifica! Arctic!”
Two more colorfully outfitted girls jumped from the trees and landed point-blank in the park. Lively Pacifica was the youngest of all of them and wore a cerulean blue swimsuit-styled ensemble. She was decorated in pearls and seashells; Lively Eden knew Lively Pacifica’s sandals were thematically appropriate but they were completely ill-suited for a fight. Lively Arctic’s outfit resembled that of a professional figure skater’s; it was white, elegant, and form-fitting. The drooping sleeves were a bit much; Lively Eden didn’t know how Lively Arctic punched as well as she did in those things. Lively Eden couldn’t help but be jealous of the outfits worn by the Death Duo; at least those made sense for battle. This whole magical girl schtick wasn’t made easier by these stupid frilly dresses!
“I’m fine,” Lively Eden continued, touching down on the ground to reunite with her teammates. “What happened?”
“We had Death Storm cornered, but he slipped right out of our grasp.” Lively Arctic sighed. “It was that super speed of his…”
“It was your fault he got away, Arctic!” Lively Pacifica countered. “You hesitated and he bolted! If you’d frozen my water just a second earlier, this wouldn’t have happened!”
“Calm down!” Lively Eden interjected, trying to keep her voice even. We can’t be arguing at a time like this! “Let’s just deal with both Frost and Storm together, alright?”
“…Fine,” Lively Pacifica agreed begrudgingly.
“Very well.” Lively Arctic nodded.
“Done with your little chat, ladies?” Death Storm crooned. “`Cause I ain’t waiting for you to finish!”
He cackled maniacally and shot a bolt of lightning from his hands. The three magical girls leaped away just as the electricity fried the ground where they once stood. Lively Eden jetted through the air, trying to circle around the Death Duo. Death Storm targeted Lively Arctic and bombarded her with constant volleys of lightning. She assumed a defensive stance and blocked his attacks with shields of ice. Lively Pacifica ran up to Death Frost immediately and traded blows with him. She summoned water to pelt him as if they were additional limbs but he froze them all upon contact. Lively Pacifica’s streams shattered as they were summoned, forcing her to rely on pure martial arts. But it was clear Death Frost had the advantage in this field: he was nearly twice Pacifica’s height and outreached her by a wide margin. She was quick on her feet and more aggressive but if Death Frost got in one good hit, that could be it. Lively Eden sighed; Lively Arctic should have taken on Death Frost and Lively Pacifica should’ve engaged Death Storm but whatever.
It was time to end this. Lively Eden barreled through the air and landed some distance away from the two fights. She placed her hand over her heart—which was, coincidentally, covered by a heart-shaped bow—and summoned all of the Naturae energy she held within her. She condensed it in her hands and the pink light grew stronger and stronger and bigger and bigger. It finally materialized as—who could’ve guessed—a large pink heart. Lively Eden drew her foot and arm back, holding the energy heart over her knuckle while pursing her lip.
“Breezy Punch!”
Lively Eden thrust her fist forward with all her might. The resulting attack wasn’t so much of a “breeze” as it was a maelstrom. Rosy winds kicked up and blustered all around her; a concentrated rush of zephyrs rocketed towards Death Frost and Storm. The two boys snapped their focus to Lively Eden just as her wind blew them off their feet—ignoring her teammates—and right over the horizon. Lively Eden sighed in relief. Finally; she could go home and stop being a magical girl just for a little while.
“What was that for!?” Lively Pacifica marched up to her teammate with a glare. Lively Eden gulped; Lively Pacifica was a little bit shorter than her but she had no doubt the ocean-themed magical girl could kick her butt any day of the week. “I had him! I could’ve won!”
“I, uh,” Lively Eden cleared her throat quickly, “Pacifica, I’m so sorry. Maybe next time. I just… I did what I thought was best.”
“I agree with Eden,” Lively Arctic voiced. “We’re all in school. If we stay out too late, it’s going to cause problems in our day lives. It was best that Eden ended the fight quickly.”
Wait, I’m not the only one who thinks that? Lively Eden smiled at Lively Arctic. But in this darkness, it didn’t seem her teammate noticed her gratitude.
“Ugh!” Lively Pacifica kicked an errant rock in her path.
“Hold your head high, Lively Pacifica!”
Lively Eden flinched at the screechy, high-pitched voice. From the earth, a dandelion suddenly bloomed. This dandelion glowed with a mysterious light and grew eerily rapidly. When its flower burst open, a strange creature emerged from the petals. Its face was distinctly lion-like but oddly cartoonish with thick whiskers and large eyes. Instead of a mane, large yellow petals surrounded its face. Its body was bipedal and bright green; it had leaves for hands but paws for feet.
“Hello, Tanpopo,” Lively Arctic greeted.
“You did well warding off the Death Duo today!” Tanpopo congratulated. His voice was genuine but Lively Eden had to stifle a sigh; she knew what his next words were. “You’re really growing into your roles as magical girls! Remember: your duty is to counteract Thade’s darkness and negativity to spread Naturae’s positivity and light throughout the world! You cannot let the forces of death and destruction win!”
“We know, Tanpopo,” Lively Pacifica snapped. “You’ve told us this a hundred times already! Repeating yourself isn’t going to speed up the process.”
Oh, thank god I’m not the only one who feels that way. Nonetheless, Lively Eden remarked, “We’ll continue to do our best as magical girls! We can’t— We won’t stop until Thade’s evil has been vanquished!”
Lively Eden relaxed her shoulders and stole a glance at Lively Arctic. As usual, she couldn’t read her stoic teammate’s expression. Lively Eden couldn’t tell whether Lively Arctic was also annoyed by Tanpopo’s constant reminders and speeches or if she didn’t mind them.
“I know you will! You’re the Lively Trio, Naturae’s unstoppable magical girls!” Tanpopo cheered.
“In any case,” Lively Eden added, “the Death Duo’s likely not going to show up for the rest of today. Good job, everyone. I’ll see you around.”
“Goodbye, Eden.” Lively Arctic bowed politely before departing.
Lively Eden watched her go, using her super speed and strength to jump from the park to the top of buildings on her way home. Lively Eden then heard the clack of heels and turned, only to find that Lively Pacifica was also gone without saying goodbye. She released the sigh she’d been holding.
“It’s just you and me now, Lively Eden!” Tanpopo twirled around in the air. Did he think that was charming or something?
“Yeah…” Unfortunately. Why does Tanpopo always stay with me and not Arctic or Pacifica!? Is it because I’m the pink one?
Lively Eden glanced up at the large full moon. It was late at night; without the light of the street lamps, it would be pitch-black. She could only hope that she could sneak back into her room without her parents noticing. Tanpopo rushed her out in such a hurry she didn’t have time to close her bedroom window before departing. If her parents noticed it was open and shut it, she’d have problems. Oh, drat, and she didn’t even get to her homework, either! Lively Eden sighed again and let her shoulders fall. Time for another all-nighter…
In a perfect world, the Death Duo would only attack on the weekends, giving her plenty of time to keep up with her academics. Heck, on Fridays, maybe she could even afford an outing with friends after school. Not that she had any… Lively Eden was a magical girl and she was too busy fighting the forces of darkness to afford such luxuries. The only thing she could do now was go home; rush through her homework, hoping her haphazard answers were correct; and hit the hay while praying to any higher power that the Death Duo decided not to stir up more trouble tonight.