Context: Victor is a single dad who lives with his daughter Opal in a poor apartment. He works his way up the ladder and becomes successful. However, in his endeavors, he neglects his daughter and she has drifted apart from him. He was too wrapped up in his success to notice his daughter growing up and the resentment and walls building up.
I want to know if this is too on the nose with the conflict. I want to try to make it a little more subtle.
Victor sips wine alone on the balcony. Adorn in a silk robe and pants, he stares into the distance. He looks through some documents and mail - opening sealed ones with a silver letter opener.
He reads over one and looks the address to realize that it was not for him. The acceptance letter congratulates Opal on being admitted in.
Victor’s eyes widen. It’s been awhile since he’s had genuine emotion - not shaped by the “successful businessman” persona.
He walks to Opals room and knocks. He opens the door a little but finds that she’s not there.
He looks around. The room is different than the last time he’s been inside. Various art pieces and music posters line the walls. A pile of unopened presents sit in the corner. Some of them are duplicates, wrapped in the same way.
OPAL (O.S.)
(blankly)
Hey.
Victor turns around startled. Opal stands behind him. She’s different. Taller, with piercings, and a cynicism that has replaced the childlike admiration in her eyes.
VICTOR
Uh hey... you got a letter from-
Opal eyes the letter and snatches it from him.
OPAL
Thanks.
She brushes past him. Victor puts up a fake bravado as he stands in the doorway. She starts grabs her purse and puts various things in.
VICTOR
You got in! Congratulations. I could take you for dinner.
OPAL
Just get me some money. I’m heading out to have dinner with some friends tonight.
VICTOR
But...we should celebrate-
OPAL
Really?
VICTOR
Yes did I not make myself clear?
OPAL
Since when were you interested in celebrating with me?
VICTOR
Of course I want to-
OPAL
Oh why don’t you have your chauffer buy me the same art supplies he does every time?
VICTOR
I didn’t know that.
OPAL
(passive-aggressive)
No, it’s fine. I’m sure you just have so much work to do and don’t have time for anything or anyone else in your life.
VICTOR
I’m not going to apologize for being successful so we can have a better life.
Beat.
OPAL
It’s not ‘we’ anymore. Just you.
Opal storms out of the room and leaves the apartment, leaving Victor alone.