“Juuzou, what is this?”
Oh, fuck me… Here we go.
His mother’s hand trembled as she clutched the half-full box of cigarettes between her fingers. Juuzou’s gakuran jacket dropped to the floor. Why the hell was she going through his clothes in the first place? He could do his fucking laundry himself… He didn’t need her coddling him. He hadn’t needed it for the past three years. Not that she ever really gave it to him. She was likely just trying to snoop, damn her. Juuzou stared at the floor from the doorway of his bedroom, trying to keep a glower off his face. If he showed signs of contempt or disinterest, that would prompt his mother to launch into a whole new rant on top of the lecture she was about to give him.
“I don’t understand.” His mother placed a hand over her heart. She held the cigarette box far away from her, as if its proximity would somehow taint her. “I thought you would get better after your expulsion from Nijiri. You got away from all those awful, awful people. You did stop hanging out with that ‘Honda’ person, didn’t you?”
Honda’s a bastard, but not for the reasons you think he is. Juuzou exhaled through his nostrils. He refused to glance in his mother’s direction. Instead, he simply asked, “Why do you even care?”
“Juuzou!” gasped his mother. “You’re my son. Of course I care.” Juuzou tilted his head back and laughed.
“Bullshit! You were too busy doting on Izumi to give a damn about what I was doing this previous semester! We both know the only reason you insisted I go to high school was so you and Dad didn’t have to deal with me around the house. And you only heard all this shit about Honda `cause of everything that happened after Shun’s Rebellion!”
“Juuzou.”
His heart sank and he had to stifle a groan. Juuzou didn’t dare turn around but he felt the authoritative presence looming over him. Dealing with his mother was one thing but his father was an entirely separate headache. This sort of bullshit was the last thing Juuzou wanted to fuck around with right now.
“Do not speak to your mother like that,” scolded his father. Something shifted and Juuzou realized his father had now noticed the cigarette box his mother was holding. He heard the whoosh of air; his father had sucked in a breath. “I am very disappointed in you.”
Juuzou resisted the temptation to roll his eyes. Again with the “I am disappointed in you” spiel? He’d probably heard it at least a hundred times at this point. When were these two going to get the message that he didn’t give two shits anymore!?
“Your life decisions have been very upsetting,” rumbled his father. “You used to be such a good boy with stellar grades and a wonderful disposition. What happened? Why did you suddenly nosedive and spiral out of control?”
You know exactly what fucking happened, Old Man. Of course, Juuzou’s father would never admit that. Juuzou didn’t know why his parents kept asking these same questions over and over again. Were they desperate for him to give them a different answer? A response that would somehow relieve them of blame, that would grant them confidence and peace of mind? We’re not the failures; you are. It’s not that our bad parenting reflects poorly on us through you, it’s just that you’re a rotten child who couldn’t help yourself. Seriously, what did they want Juuzou to say? “Oh, I’m so sorry, I should’ve done better to cater to your expectations. I’m independent so therefore, I don’t ever have to rely on you for help even though you’re my parents and that’s what you’re fucking there for.” Because helping their children was a parent’s job, right? Right!?
“All you had to do was put yourself back together and get back on track,” his father ranted. “Your grades slipped, but you had all the capabilities to raise them up again. You could have done better. You should have done better. Why did you let yourself turn into this?”
“Don’t fucking blame me!” Juuzou roared, finally whirling around to glare at his father. “This is my fault!? I asked you for help! I tried telling you that I didn’t know what to do anymore! And you just fucking told me to help myself! That I was on my own! You abandoned me! I bet if Izumi ran up to you whining that he needed help for a make-up exam, you’d drop everything to make sure your baby boy passed with flying colors. But if I tried that years ago—and I swear I did—you’d just tell me to suck it up while expecting an A plus!”
“That’s not… Oh, Juuzou, we never—”
“Don’t try to deny it,” he spat, shooting daggers at his mother. “If you’re upset with my ‘life decisions,’ well then guess what? You only have yourselves to blame.”
“I did not raise a criminal,” his father asserted, gesturing to the box of cigarettes.
“You barely raised me, period!” Juuzou exploded. “When I ‘spiraled out of control,’ you decided the best thing to do was ignore me and hope I’d somehow get better! Well, news flash: it doesn’t fucking work like that! Didn’t you think I would’ve liked some of the attention you gave Izumi!? And fuck it!” Juuzou couldn’t help but laugh. “I know the only reason why I’m still allowed to even exist in this household is `cause the government would get on your asses for throwing me onto the streets!”
“Juuzou… Oh, Juuzou…” His mother covered the lower half of her face with her hand. “That’s not…”
“Juuzou.” His father’s voice was cold. “That’s enough.”
“I know your family image is ‘oh-so important’ to you so I’m sorry my very existence fucking ruins it!” Juuzou continued. “I know neither of you like admitting you’ve got two sons instead of just little Izumi. After all, he’s the only one ever worth bringing up. I get it! If I ended up with a son like me, I’d hate me too! Oh, wait, I already fucking do! Too bad for you shitheads, I guess!”
“JUUZOU!”
He shoved past his father and stormed down the hallway. His father was shouting something, but Juuzou didn’t hear him. All of the words turned into meaningless sludge. Like faded words in an incoherent melody. Juuzou felt his younger brother’s presence lingering somewhere in the corridor, but he didn’t bother unearthing Izumi’s hiding place. Juuzou stormed down the stairs and kicked the front door open. It didn’t fully close after he left, but he couldn’t be bothered to shut it all the way. He descended the outdoor steps of the apartment complex and arrived at ground level. His chest heaved up and down from the sudden sprint. Juuzou bit his lip and rounded the corner. He leaned against the side of the building, the wall that faced the sidewalk and road. He swallowed and drove saliva into his throat, which was dry from shouting.
He shoved a hand into his black cargo pants. The deep pockets bore fruit: Juuzou removed a lighter and a stray box of extra cigarettes. He lit one and sighed as the bitter tobacco flooded his veins. Juuzou closed his eyes. His legs lost strength and he slid down the wall, crumpling onto the sidewalk. He exhaled and the resulting cloud of smoke blocked the light of the overwhelmingly bright summer sun. Juuzou furrowed his brow. He could still detect the sunlight even with his eyes closed. What a nuisance…
“Hanazoe?”
Oh, my fucking god, what now!? Juuzou’s eyes shot open.
“Hiiragi? The hell’re you doing over here?”
Ayu raised a plastic bag and explained, “Grocery shopping at the supermarket down the street. What about you?”
“I fucking live here,” Juuzou snapped. “Do I need a reason to smoke at a place like this?” Ayu blinked.
“Hanazoe, is everything alright?” Ayu asked.
“Do I look alright?” Juuzou ground his teeth against his cigarette. “Leave me alone, Hiiragi.”
“This is the second time I’ve seen you like this,” Ayu pointed out. Her grip around the plastic grocery bag tightened. “I’m so sorry, Hanazoe, but I can’t just leave you alone in good faith. Please, let me help you. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Why’s it matter so much to you?”
“Because I care about you, Hanazoe.” Juuzou’s eyes widened.
“Shut the fuck up!” he bellowed, suddenly rising to his feet. Ayu took a step back. “I don’t need your pity! I don’t fucking want it!”
“Hanazoe… Hanazoe, I don’t pity you,” Ayu stated plainly. “I’m concerned about you. That’s why I want to help.”
“Save it,” Juuzou growled. “I’m fucking sick and tired of you fawning over me all the goddamn time. Leave me alone! You’re totally useless and you’re a damn nuisance! You can’t even do a single fucking thing by yourself, you altruistic bitch!”
The words tumbled out before Juuzou could stop himself. He blinked as realization sank in just a second too late. Ayu’s eyes were wide. Her hands were trembling so much, she could’ve dropped the plastic grocery bag any second. Her chest pulsed up and down as she gulped in deep, unsteady breaths. It was futile. The tears spilled over, flooding from her eyelids and tumbling down her cheeks like waterfalls rushing from their banks. Ayu’s bottom lip trembled. She opened her mouth but thought better of it and shut it just a second later. She turned on her heel.
“Hiiragi, wait—!”
Juuzou reached out to Ayu, but his feet were rooted in place. He could only watch as she ran away from him, her figure growing small as the distance widened between them. His hand grasped at her retreating back. Before he knew it, she was gone. Juuzou dropped his arm. He stared at his feet.