The echoes of the performance rang in Juuzou’s ears. He quickened his stride, trying to outpace reverberating music so he didn’t have to hear it anymore. His heartbeat thumped alongside the beat of the drum. His head throbbed as something stirred beneath his temples. No, not now. Why the hell now!? He hated it when the past came to haunt him. No matter how hard he tried not to remember—to forget and repress—these memories always seemed to lurk right around the corner. Juuzou gritted his teeth.
“Juuzou, what is this?” His father’s disappointment was palpable, signified by the deep frown etched onto his face.
Juuzou squirmed; his toes wriggled against the soft fabric of his house slippers. He bit his lip and refused to look at his father. He heard the crinkling of paper; his father’s grip on his test had deepened.
“I… Um, well, I—”
“Speak up and speak clearly.”
“I… I don’t know what happened,” Juuzou admitted honestly. “I just… It’s just…” He couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. “I-I don’t know what to do! I’m trying, Dad, I really am! But it’s too much… I—”
“Don’t make excuses.” His father slammed the examination onto the coffee table. Juuzou flinched. The bright red “73” stared back up as if mocking him. “You are capable of much more than this. You and I both know that well. This isn’t like you, Juuzou. What happened?” Juuzou swallowed, burying tears into his hot throat. He shook his head.
“I… I don’t know. But I swear I’ll do better!” Juuzou added quickly. “It’s just— I need help. I’m sorry for slipping, but I just don’t know what to do! Please… Please help me.”
“You already know what you need to do.” His father stood up. “I don’t need to help you, Juuzou. You need to figure out how to get back on track yourself. Do better next time.”
“Wait, Dad—!”
Juuzou slammed the wall of a dim alleyway with his fist. His heart finally fell out of the rhythm of the indie band’s music after his brief sprint. He was somewhere in the neighboring shopping center. The indie band’s performance was now only a distant hum in the wind. Sweat dripped down Juuzou’s face as the summer sun scorched the back of his neck. He bit his lip so hard he nearly drew blood.
Juuzou darted into a nearby alleyway. He yanked out his lighter and pulled a cigarette from his pocket. It took him several attempts to click the trigger to bring forth a flame; his hands trembled as if caught in an earthquake. When the fire finally flickered to life, Juuzou brought it to the cigarette immediately, impatient for the tobacco to start smoking. The cig was between his lips before it even started cindering. Juuzou took several long, deep breaths and relished in the long cloud that escaped his mouth. He drowned his head in the bitter stench of tobacco and nicotine. He smushed the cigarette between his fingers. He wasn’t the same person he was almost three years ago. Juuzou changed. His parents forced him to change. But they didn’t like what he changed into.
A pipe dripped dirty water into a large puddle by his feet. Juuzou stared at his reflection in the rippling water. His long bangs fell over his face; a strand of hair slipped forward and covered his right eye. His piercings glinted in the sunlight. Juuzou turned away and pulled on his cigarette again. He placed his palm on the cool concrete wall behind him.
“You need to figure out how to get back on track yourself. Do better next time.”
Juuzou’s teeth gnashed against his cigarette. His hand curled into a claw, scraping his nails against the concrete. His other hand found the lid of his lighter and incessantly clicked it open and closed. Open and closed. Over and over again. It wasn’t enough. Not even the nicotine could erase the dredges gnawing away at the back of Juuzou’s mind. He released his lighter and groped around his pocket for the other object—around the same size—he knew was in here. He removed his Wither Seal and flicked the trigger.