Oliver is grappling with his feelings for his long-term friend Rafael, and his mother's illness. He is in denial about both, and has been struggling with an increasing desire to drink all the time.
Oliver turned the wheel of his Mazda 3 and slid the car perfectly in between two cars on the side of the road. He’d done a damn good job of it too, if he said so himself. Especially since parallel parking hadn’t always been easy for him. But his backup camera had given him an incredibly high sense of confidence these days.
“Shit,” he cursed. One of the stuffed animals he’d had on his dash had fallen on the floor. He reached over to the passenger side floor to pick it up.
“Poor Maurice” Oliver said, delicately stroking the small, spiky hedgehog’s spines. He smiled down at it, before placing Maurice back where he belonged and grabbed his phone. The line rang twice before Rafael picked up.
“Hey, I’m here,” Oliver said.
“Oh, I see you.” Raf’s voice replied. Oliver couldn’t stop the wide smile from creeping across his face. He was about to say something when he heard a soft rap on his window and he jumped.
Rafael’s laugh flitted through the phone and the window at the same time. Oliver took in a deep breath, clutching his phone to his chest, and rolled down the window.
“You asshole!” He said, eyes wide. “You scared me!”
Rafael leaned back, hand across his belly while he
burst out laughing. “I’m sorry! I couldn’t help myself!”
He wiped a tear from his eye and smiled down at Oliver. His face beamed with captivating joy. Oliver found himself staring just a little too long. He coughed, and quickly looked away. His heart was still beating fast and his face felt uncomfortably hot. Yeah, sure, he scared easily,but this kind of exaggerated reaction was just laughable. He felt small and ridiculous.
Oliver chuckled nervously and absentmindedly traced the small, pale scar on the back of his forearm. “It’s okay,” he said at last. “But are you getting in or what?”
“Oh, right. Hold on a sec’. I’ll be right there, capitán!” Rafael snapped his left leg in, stood up straight, and almost smacked himself in the face in an over-the-top attempt at a salute, before he jogged around the front of the car, pulled open the shiny red passenger door, and slid into the seat, accidentally bumping Oliver’s shoulder.
“Hey! Watch it!” Oliver said, and lightly shoved Rafael back, chuckling softly.
“Oh, sorry I didn’t see you there.”
“What do you mean, ‘you didn’t see me there’? You’re the one who snuck up on me in the dark and hammered on my window like some shady larcenist!”
“Wooooah,” Rafael chipped, flicking Oliver lightly on the nose. “ Fiver for the Big Word Jar, you freakin’ nerd!”
Oliver narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to respond. Rafael cut him off.
“Besides, I didn’t hammer on your window,” he said. “I lightly tapped it.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever you say” Oliver stuck his tongue out and automatically handed him the aux cord. “But now I know how the fish feel when you tap on the glass at aquariums. And I’m most definitely not giving you five dollars.”
He feigned pushing an invisible pair of glasses up his nose, and turned his voice nasally before saying.
“For your information, I happen to like being a nerd”. He then threw his hand against his forehead and sighed dramatically. “You just don’t understand me.”
Rafael burst out laughing again.
“¡No te pases de lanza!” He said, “You’re so dramatic!”
“So are you!” Oliver shot back.
“Yeah. Well… You’re not wrong. But I’m still hurt that someone so studious could be o’ so cruel. ” Rafael stuck out his bottom lip and placed his hand over his heart giving Oliver his very best attempt at puppy dog eyes. Oliver punched him in the arm again and chuckled.
“Exhibit A!” He cried out, “Might as well give you the Oscar now.”
They carried on with their back and forth banter for a bit, laughing so hard Oliver’s face began to ache. After what felt like forever, Rafael had finally chosen something to listen to. Calvin Harris, turned down low, played in the background while they talked. Suddenly Rafael got serious. He turned in his seat to look Oliver dead in the face.
“Hey,” He breathed. “But for real, how have you been?” His warm gaze was so piercing it seemed to flow right through Oliver, as if Rafael could read every hidden thought on his face with the same ease as when he sat down with an old, cherished book. The look on his face was the same too: open, joyful, and intense. Turned toward him now, it made Oliver nervous. He swallowed, shuffling in his seat, then faced forward.
He stared out the windshield at a cat on the other side of the street. It had popped out from under a nearby car and was now rolling on its back in the grass under the light of the streetlamp. Oliver cleared his throat. Did the cat have an owner? A family of its own to go home to? Had it ever lost a friend, or a favorite person even? Oliver wondered if the lounging feline was even capable of understanding loss at all.
Rafael sat patiently on his right, staring at Oliver. He never pushed, even when Oliver thought he should. So Oliver turned back to him and beamed.
“Well ya know, my mom is still in the hospital and I barely talk to my dad these days since I’m always studying at the library at school but it’s fine. I’m fine. This is my last semester and then I’ll be free.” He blurted out. Rafael just stared at him with that knowing look.
“I’m sorry Oliver. That must be hard.”
“It’s not so bad.” Oliver did whatever he could to avoid his gaze. He looked down at Rafael’s hand instead. He reached over and snapped one of the beads on his bracelet, then pulled his hand back and clasped it in the other. Rafael glanced down at his wrist for a moment, then back up at Oliver. His eyebrows knitted together.
“You know, Oli. It’s okay to not be okay.”
Oliver grabbed Rafael’s phone and placed it in front of Raf’s face to unlock the screen. He pulled up the search bar in Spotify and typed in Brújula by Siddhartha.
“There’s a song I’ve been meaning to show you Raf!” He said, and pressed play. The gentle melody began to ring out from the speakers and Oliver turned up the volume a bit. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, taking shallow breaths. It’s okay to not be okay, he thought. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter. But I am okay. I’m almost done with school. Mom will get better soon. Everything is okay.
Rafael took his hand then, and Oliver’s heart skipped a beat.
“Look at me, Oli,” he whispered. Oliver kept his eyes closed for a second longer, then turned his head to the side to meet Rafael’s gaze. It felt like every bone in his body was vibrating at some new, inexplicable frequency. He wanted simultaneously to look away, and simultaneously to stay in this moment until the end of all time. Rafael spoke.
“I am here for you.” He said, “You don’t have to talk to me until you are ready, but I am here for you, Oliver.” He squeezed Oliver’s hand for a beat, then let go, and turned to look out the window. It took Oliver all of his conscious effort to shift his concentration away from the tingling feeling Rafael’s touch had left behind in his hand. Now matter where he looked, he just couldn’t ignore it. A long moment passed before Oliver spoke.
“Thank you,” he said. “I’ve never had a friend like you before, Raf.” Rafael stiffened, paused a beat, then turned to look back at Oliver who kept speaking.
“I know you’re there for me, and I really appreciate you. You’re a good person, Rafael.” Too good for me. Oliver left the last part unsaid, and hoped it didn’t show on his face.
“But really, I’m fine! And besides, you’re not even listening to the song! Do you like it?” He asked, chuckling awkwardly. Rafael knitted his brows together once more, then blew out a soft laugh.
“Yes,” he said. “I like it.”
The words hung in the air like an unspoken promise. An acknowledgement of one another that went beyond words There would be time to share all these hidden thoughts. Later.
Oliver had a million things he wanted to say, about his mom, his dad, about school, about Raf even… but he kept them locked up tight.
Every time he tried to open his mouth to speak, it was like some invisible force clamped it back down. What if he said the wrong thing? What if it was too much? What if he opened up to Rafael here, now, and it pushed him away forever. Oliver couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t lose Rafael. He’d tell him everything later. When he wasn’t a spiraling, hot mess.
Unsure what else to do or say to ease the tension, he pulled out his phone and glanced at the time.
“No way! It's already 11! I have to get up early tomorrow for class. I think I better head home.” He said. Rafael’s mouth pulled up to the side in a bittersweet smile.
“I guess I’ll see you later” Rafael said, and leaned across the center console to give Oliver one of those tight hugs that lasted a bit too long. It made Olive feel breathless.
Rafael kissed him on the cheek in farewell, and pushed open the car door. Then he got out, turned around to smile and waved goodbye.
“Text me when you get home safe, okay? Cuidate mucho. Buenas noches Y portate bien!.”
“No promises! Goodnight Raf.”
Rafael closed his eyes and pursed his lips. “Good night Oliver.” He said, then he shut the door and tucked his hands into his pockets.
Oliver watched him walk across the street and lean down to pet the cat that was still lounging under the lamp light. After a minute or so, Oliver began to feel ridiculous watching him, so he put the car in drive and made his way back home.
The whole drive back he felt raw and light headed. His cheek tingled in tandem with his hand, as if his now vacant skin somehow ached without Rafael’s touch. When he arrived home, he put the car in park, gathered up his things, then made his way inside the house.
Oliver eased shut the front door behind him as quietly as possible so as not to wake up his father who was asleep on the couch. He placed his backpack on a chair at the kitchen table, then walked over to the fridge, yanking the door open softly. Inside was a carton of yogurt, a pint of milk, some carrots and bell peppers, and a half full six pack of Pacífico beers that Oliver had bought the other day.
He reached for one, automatically, then pulled his hand back sharply. He didn’t need to drink tonight. He was feeling fine, overjoyed even, by his night with Rafael. He didn’t need to drink ever again. In fact, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders that had been there for the past 6 months.
Oliver grabbed a clean glass from the cabinets and filled it with water, downed the whole thing, then filled it once more before carrying it to his bedroom. He felt good. Better than he had in ages. Maybe he was finally getting over this thing. Maybe he could finally be happy again.
He set the water down on his bedside table, and changed into his pajamas. When Oliver laid down that night to fall asleep, he felt light, hopeful, like he would never have any problems ever again.